A Sneak Peak At My Novel

[Jodie 0]

You can be as harsh as you like I don't mind, harsh is good.

 

Okay here goes....

It's called the Demon kid

 

In the small rural town of cobble field on a long narrow strip of road surrounded by tall leafless tree's, the branches hollowed from the icy cold wind. The road dimly lit by a flickering streetlight, the light would flick, flick, flick then completely turn off then flick, flick, flick back on again.

 

Here stood a bus shelter it was grey white, the color washed away by the rough weather. The lonley bus shelter stood surrounded by dieing trees.

 

Walking down the gloomy sidewalk Mary and Terrence saw an outline of a wrecked car. Mary inhailed preparing herself for what might come. Terrence stood at the top of the road looking at a deep tire track in the grass.

 

Pacing her footsteps slowly Mary's fear began to overwhelm her. Sweat ran down her face as she came to the car wreck, seeing a small black car with it's front crushed, window's smashed and a door the appeared to have been pulled off.

 

Then an echoing cry of a baby startled Mary as she walked down closer to the bus shelter an eerie felling past through her chest chilling her completly......

Okay it's a teaser if you'de like more I'll put more up(Also would someone say if it okay for me to put this up here)

I just want to finally show someone my story

[Richo 0]

Good work Jodie, you write in a convincing and entertaining manner.

[Catherine 0]

Good on you for having a go. I've done some editing for you. Take on board what you like and keep going. I want to read some more.

 

 

In the small rural town of Cobble Field, there is a long narrow strip of road surrounded by tall leafless trees, whose branches are hollowed from the icy cold wind. The road is dimly lit by a streetlight which repeatedly flicks on and then off again.

 

Here stood a bus shelter, its grey white color washed away by the rough weather. The lonely bus shelter stood surrounded by dying trees.

 

Walking down the gloomy sidewalk, Mary and Terrence saw an outline of a wrecked car. Mary inhaled preparing herself for what might come. Terrence stood at the top of the road looking at a deep tyre track in the grass.

 

Slowly pacing her footsteps, Mary's fear began to overwhelm her. Sweat ran down her face as she came to the car wreck. She saw a small black car with its front crushed, its windows smashed and a door that appeared to have been pulled off.

 

Then an echoing cry of a baby startled Mary as she walked down closer to the bus shelter. An eerie feeling passed through her chest chilling her completely......

Okay it's a teaser if you'de like more I'll put more up(Also would someone say if it okay for me to put this up here)

I just want to finally show someone my story

[Jodie 0]

Good on you for having a go. I've done some editing for you. Take on board what you like and keep going. I want to read some more.

 

 

In the small rural town of Cobble Field, there is a long narrow strip of road surrounded by tall leafless trees, whose branches are hollowed from the icy cold wind. The road is dimly lit by a streetlight which repeatedly flicks on and then off again.

 

Here stood a bus shelter, its grey white color washed away by the rough weather. The lonely bus shelter stood surrounded by dying trees.

 

Walking down the gloomy sidewalk, Mary and Terrence saw an outline of a wrecked car. Mary inhaled preparing herself for what might come. Terrence stood at the top of the road looking at a deep tyre track in the grass.

 

Slowly pacing her footsteps, Mary's fear began to overwhelm her. Sweat ran down her face as she came to the car wreck. She saw a small black car with its front crushed, its windows smashed and a door that appeared to have been pulled off.

 

Then an echoing cry of a baby startled Mary as she walked down closer to the bus shelter. An eerie feeling passed through her chest chilling her completely......

Okay it's a teaser if you'de like more I'll put more up(Also would someone say if it okay for me to put this up here)

I just want to finally show someone my story

Thank you, what you have corrected/changed makes it more convincing and easier to understand.

 

Does anyone have an idea of what happened???

[Catherine 0]

I guess ... uh, you are introducing the birth of the demon child.

[Jodie 0]

Continued....

 

She began frantically searching for the face behind that helpless cry. Mary screamed and called for help. No one came, she was alone, Rummaging around the car her heart stopped for a second, she paused for a moment as the crying stopped. At that moment everything was silent. Her heart drowned in sorrow at the thought she failed to save a helpless being. That was untill the baby began to cry again suddenly it hit Mary, she turned and realised the cry came from the bus shelter!

 

She took a shaky step into the darkened bus shelter dimly lit by a flickering streetlight, at that moment Mary entered the bus shelter the light stopped flickering. Completely lighting the bus shelter. In the corner lay a cold, damp brown cardboard box partly covered by a yellow fleeced blanket behind the box a shadowed cat-like creature ponced out, dashing past Mary leaving behind a trail of metalic strands of fur. That floated gently through the air past Mary's face.

 

Her face glowed with joy as the box trembled slightly. But it was not completly over yet as Mary hesitantly reached out for the fleece blanket.

 

As she pulled the blanket away fear overwhelmed he rfor what she might find. That was untill she saw the tiny helpless child, he lay curled in a ball desperatly trying to keep warm, his naturally pale skin frozen to the touch, his lilac hair feathery and light. In the box next to him lay a panda plush toy with many stitches and an evolope sealed with wax, the child lay naked desperatly trying to regain body heat, his tiny body freezing being just hours old.

[Catherine 0]

Keep going. I'm hooked.

[Jodie 0]

Continued...

Mary's immediate reaction to the situation was to pick up the infant but her were legs frozen in fear, she screamed out to her husband. Terrence was kneeling examining the tire track when he recognised his wife's voice calling out to him.

 

He panicked and instantly ran quickly towards the bus shelter. He took a worried step into the shelter, inside he found his wife leaning over a damp cardboard box. Terrece was confused.

"Mary are you hurt?You sounded frightened" he said placing his hand gently on his wife's shoulder. Mary turned to her husband, she opened her mouth but no words came out!

 

"Mary stop it! Your being stupid!" Terrence yelled snapping Mary out of her gaze.

"Terrence look?" Mary asked, Terrence lent over his wife and peered into the cardboard box "It's a baby, what about it?" Terrence rudely said "Terrence!" Mary shouted "He needs us, I'm taking him whether you like it or not!" Mary blared.

 

Mary bent down towering over the box; she reached out for the infant supporting his head with one hand, supporting his body with the other. Cradling him with her left hand and with her right she picked up the fleece blanket and wrapped the freezing infant within. Holding him close to her chest she walked out the bus shelter leaving Terrence behind.

"Mary!" Terrence yelled but Mary did not listen and carried on walking.

 

Leaving Terrence behind Mary walked at a normal pace cradling the infant untill the sound of padded footsteps alarmed her, forcing her to a halt. Looking over her shouler she saw nothing. But standing a meare two metres behind her was a three foot, thick silver hairedlynx-like creature. Moments after the footsteps acured they dissapeared as did the lynx. She soon spotted Terrence catching up to her carring the cardboard box the infant was found in.

 

Feel free to change/correct

[Jodie 0]

I'm going to send it up bit by bit so it's smaller blocks instead of huge blocks of writing and it's easyier on the reader.

 

If you'de like more just say the word.

[Catherine 0]

Did the husband not hear the footsteps?

[JamesBond007 0]

Jodie,

rather than say what I think about your story, I would ask if this is a first draft?

 

Is the story complete, yet? If it isn't I would encourage that you don't bother with getting criticism just yet, just go out and write YOUR STORY however you want to, even if you aren't quite sure.

 

I always find to get a good story going that you should identify a main character (MC), who has a problem (CONFLICT) and there is some reason that the problem can't get resolved (OPPOSITION).

The goal is then to have the MC defeat the OPPOSITION and remove the CONFLICT...

 

When you map it out this way (slightly oversimplified) then the story has a basic shell (like the frame of a house) to build on, by adding more and more complex layers (and rooms with different themes etc etc) to enrich it.

For the first part, I always just advice people to write whatever they want.

Believe me, there is more than enough time to worry about the editing process.

 

IF you have finished it, drop me a PM and I will give you some pointers, from my perspective on where it could be tightened.

 

Best of luck with it.

[Jodie 0]

Terrence did not here the footsteps.

 

I havent finished the story either but I just want to know if there is any point in finishing it.

[JamesBond007 0]

Terrence did not here the footsteps.

 

I havent finished the story either but I just want to know if there is any point in finishing it.

 

I would answer that by asking you if YOU think there is any point in finishing it? Only you can answer that, because only YOU can write what compels you to write the story in your heart or mind.

 

All first bits of stories start out bad, as barely scraps of ideas, that get cobbled together.

 

If you think there is something that makes you say you **need** to write it, then it probably doesn't matter what it reads like at the moment, it's going to change a thousand times as you do it and it evolves and takes on a life of its own. [like putting a baby budgie out into the flight and watching it grow from there]

 

So I would say - continue if you feel a compulsion to write this, or other stories. Who knows, one day you might write a bestseller about a gentle old man who is lonely and starts breeding budgies for company...

 

yes, a bit of a tease, I was thinking of, Birdman of Alcatraz which was turned into a movie, after the notorious Robert Stroud. (and yes they were really canaries, not budgies)

 

Who knows where your story could take you.

[GenericBlue 0]

im sorry but i agree with oo7

write your story then re read it when you are satisfyed with it only then ask advice

i honestly do not like the first part at all

but from the baby in the bus shelter on its quiet good

i dont like the constent pointed out flickering light

you lost me their

and almost again with the bus shelter

i would try something like

as the dusk was setting in marry and terance drove slowly down the lite less road , somthing gleamed in the corrner of marys eye as the rounded the bend just short of passing the old run down bus shelter they usto sit in as young kids as her mind turned from her memoriys to horror with the recal of her minds vishion in which the head lights shined apone

stop! she exclamed to her child hood sweet heart ,now husband of 17 years ,terance through on the cars brakes with a starteled look in his eye, in a shaken voice he asked marry what had come over her

the road was now in total darkness exempt from any form of light ,mary could hardly pase as she stumbled from the car to back trake towared the gastly vishion that had caught her eye so suddenly in the trees

in the fear of tumbling down the pitch black imbankment where the deep imprint of freashly layed tyer marks still lay moist from the damp cold that had been closing in from the south horizzion

marry called apon her husband for ,

 

see so this just shows you how diffrent ly people write and interpret things in their mind

 

its best to write your story then seek someone who can be very honest about your lay out of events

 

my exampal was probbly bit over the top with expreshion

remember your the writer its your story

not every one is going to like it and you may just ask the wrong peoples opinions and get a negative responce

good luck its very pulling but as i said after the bus shelter bit on

thats just me

Edited August 10, 2009 by birdluv

[Catherine 0]

Keep going. If you've got the story line in your head, just head towards the finish.

I see the discussion has started about writing stories and that is good. GB is right, we would all have our own ways of telling the same story. James Bond has told you the standard stuff about how to construct the tale you want to tell. I really dislike that structure stuff and I'm sure you've heard about that conflict /resolution formula at school. It puts people off writing forever. If it had been around when I went to school, I would have screamed. You just get the story written.

[Jodie 0]

Keep going. If you've got the story line in your head, just head towards the finish.

I see the discussion has started about writing stories and that is good. GB is right, we would all have our own ways of telling the same story. James Bond has told you the standard stuff about how to construct the tale you want to tell. I really dislike that structure stuff and I'm sure you've heard about that conflict /resolution formula at school. It puts people off writing forever. If it had been around when I went to school, I would have screamed. You just get the story written.

 

Thanks Catherine, yeah I don't like it so much either

[Richo 0]

Is it possible to in effect write backwards?, perhaps in dot points more often than not? Jodie has stated the title [the demon kid] and I bet she has some idea of what he gets up to. I like the "dot point" idea because it lends itself easily to subplots you can weave into the story line. Questions have been asked concerning the validity of certain points including flickering lights but who knows? Maybe the demon kid will cause a massive explosion of toxic gas seeping from the cemetery with said flickering light? One thing for sure is that the more time you spend on it, the better it will get. Carry a small note pad around with you for sudden thoughts you don't want to lose, Beethoven often composed in this fashion. Read other novels in your genre but only good ones. Sounds like you are having a ball...Go for it

[Jodie 0]

Is it possible to in effect write backwards?, perhaps in dot points more often than not? Jodie has stated the title [the demon kid] and I bet she has some idea of what he gets up to. I like the "dot point" idea because it lends itself easily to subplots you can weave into the story line. Questions have been asked concerning the validity of certain points including flickering lights but who knows? Maybe the demon kid will cause a massive explosion of toxic gas seeping from the cemetery with said flickering light? One thing for sure is that the more time you spend on it, the better it will get. Carry a small note pad around with you for sudden thoughts you don't want to lose, Beethoven often composed in this fashion. Read other novels in your genre but only good ones. Sounds like you are having a ball...Go for it

The note pad thing I do

all these questions get answered don't worry. As you said their is another side of the story yet to be answered.